Sometimes I stand on the beach at midnight and scream into the darkness. It’s just me and the crashing waves of nothingness. I scream. Nothingness hungrily swallows the sounds. It makes me feel better, the screaming. I keep so much inside me, the pain, the worry, the emptiness, the angst, the past. These violent-but-not outbursts–with no one around to judge, stare or question–make me feel whole again, even if it’s only for a moment. The cold, damp sand, the whipping winds, the quietly crashing waves, the cawing seagull and the never-ending darkness creates a bearable world. I don’t think about… anything really… and it’s wonderful. I do this almost every night because it’s what helps me through the days.
You see beauty in this world, don’t you? Your wife laughs at your dumb jokes because that’s how much she loves you. Your children walk and talk for the first time making anything seem possible. Your best friend marries his best friend, his joy is your joy. You visit far away lands that reminds you how precious life is. Our world is far from perfect but you see the good; you trust the greater plan.
For every you in this world there is a me. I only feel despair. I only expect gloom. I only remember broken promises and unrealized dreams. I do believe goodness exists but I’m certain none of it is destined for me. There’s no laughter in my life, I weep but no one cares to hear me. There’s no legacy to outlive me and no friendship to make my days worth living, I walk alone. And there’s no peeking beyond the horizon, I tread no further than my tired legs can carry me. I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe in you and I’ve never believed in myself. Sadness is haunting and my life is a house of horrors.
I am homeless. I’m familyless. I’m loveless. I’m invisible. And I’m tired of living. My tired legs make one last journey, forever trying to catch the screams I’ve sent into the darkness.
-Niral
misterniral@gmail.com
Mr. Niral Rambles 